Conflict
Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 14, May 2008
We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.
Why "Communication" Courses Fall Short
I spend a lot of time working with individuals and groups talking about "communication". I also spend a good deal of time investigating how people and organizations train on "communication skills." I have come to a very strong opinion that most courses, while beneficial, will not deliver the results that people sign up for.
Here is why:
First, the courses assume that the all conflict, tension, problems, bad feelings can be magically eliminated if one person will "actively listen" or be aware of their own "non-verbals." NOT SO!!!!
Yes. Active listening is a great tool. YES. Awareness of non-verbal communication is very important. HOWEVER, implying that active listening and awareness of non-verbal communication alone will allow you to reach resolution and decrease workplace tension, is like saying that you are fully dressed when you aren't wearing anything below the waist. (Bad visual, I know, but you get the picture.)
Here is the thing, by failing (yes, strong word-failing) to acknowledge that the purpose of active listening and awareness of non-verbal communication is to lay the foundation for purposeful discussion, the courses miss the mark.
Second, most communication classes I have seen often focus on methods for you to phrase the message so that you are more likely to be heard and not unilaterally dismissed by the listener. What should (in my opinion) be a greater focus is a simple question what exactly are you trying to accomplish through the conversation?
My guess is that you are in some fashion trying one or more of the following: to convince, to discipline, to coach, to dictate priorities, to inform, to build a relationship, to gather information, to respond, to defend or to feedback. AND THAT GOSH DARN "OTHER GUY" is getting in your way.
So, you come to the conversation with a purpose (to inform, to coach, etc ) and a preferred outcome in mind then try to use "active listening" and other "communication tools" to achieve that purpose. Unless and until, you can discern your purpose for the conversation no "communication skills" will help you get to the desired result. Problem solving and negotiation skills will.
So before your next conversation take 10 seconds to discern your purpose (to coach, to discipline, to build relationships) then engage in all those communication skills to lay the foundation for the substantive part of the conversation that lays ahead.
Give it a try and let me know how it goes.
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Action Tools
These Action Tools are designed to help you better utilize any communication tools that you may have picked up.
- Before entering the conversation discern your purpose for the conversation. Answer the following: "I want the following things from this conversation…. The list may be long or short. Simple or surprising.
- Consider what the other guy’s purpose for the conversation might be.
- Be clear as to why are you seeking out that particular person to help you achieve your purpose?
- Move to problem solving.
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More new stuff!!! Conflict Management Strategies BLOG!!!
The Workplace Conflict Expert Says...
Everyday I come across examples of people getting in their own way, experiencing nasty stuff in the workplace. I shake my head because I know that I could have helped by providing some insights and tips. So did I just sit back and complain? (Yes. A lot. Ask my trusted advisors …my friends…my husband…my dogs) However, I took my own sage advice and decided to move from complaining about "the collective turd in the middle of the room" to taking some well thought out action.
The result is "The Workplace Conflict Expert Says". A blog devoted to providing insights and strategies to improve working relationships. Check it out. Tell me what you think. Post your response! Click here or join me via the Conflict Management Strategies Inc Homepage www.ManagingConflict.com
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Ask Carol
I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know – those off-to-the-side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad "Mojo" at work.
Q: Carol, we have a person at work who sucks up all the attention in the office all of the time. This person wants to run the show-to the exclusion of other team members. How can I shut this person off without causing resentment.
A: My guess is that there already is resentment-from the other co-workers. So don’t worry so much about resentment. It is already there. If this person is looking for attention. Give them attention in the areas that you want them to spend more time on. If they are attention seeking in a negative way, don’t engage. In essence cut off the life support to the negative stuff.
After doing that, have a conversation about your understanding of that person’s role in the team. Then have a "tail gate" meeting so that others can also step up and take on roles that our overly assertive friend may have stepped into. Phrase the conversation in terms of everyone have a chance to experience or take on a lead role. If there is under the surface resentment by others, this is their chance to make a change. If they don’t step up, then they sorta have lost the right to complain about the situation (says me). If there are still complaints or water cooler conversations, ask them to step up or let it go.
Let me know how it goes.
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That’s worth repeating…
"We learn to do something by doing it.
There is no other way."
-- John Holt
Recommended Reading
This book was recommended by a colleague: Revolt in the Boardroom: The New Rules of Power in Corporate America.
The title sounds kinda scary, but it was well reviewed in the Harvard Business Review. A good read for those of you who work for organization that have a board. Who knows you may find new ways to influence the boss.
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Where's Carol???
June 11, 2008
The Magic of the Mediator-Mediation Skills for the HR Professional
Seattle, WA
Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
June 19, 2008
How to Survive the Chaos, Commotion, and Caterwauling that comes from Organizational Change: Tactics And Strategies To Manage And Prevent The Conflict of organizational change.
Tacoma, WA
South Puget Sound Chapter Human Resource Management Association
http://spsnhrma.shrm.org
July 1, 2008
Conflict Management Strategies
Professional Audio Conferences
www.pbb.com
July 9 & 10, 2008
Conflict Resolution Skills for the HR Professional
Washington School Personnel Association HELP Conference
Bellingham, WA
www.wspa.net
July 14-18, 2008
40 Hour Basic Mediation Training
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
Tacoma WA
www.pccdr.org
August 14, 2008
No Shouting. No Singing Kumbaya-Mediator Skills for the Executive
Kent, WA
Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
September 17, 2008
How HR Torpedoes Itself During EEOC Mediations and What To Do About It.
Northwest Human Resource Management Association-
Regional Conference
Kennewick, WA
www.nhrma.org
October 15, 2008
The Roadmap to Resolution for the School HR Professional
American Association of School Personnel-National Conference
Seattle WA
www.aaspa.org
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Do you want to bring a dynamic speaker to your organization or conference? Carol is scheduling engagements for 2008.
Call or email now to bring Carol to you!
(253)219-5532
ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com
Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict
at work.
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