1.       Name the elephant in the room – yours & theirs. Acknowledge out loud that you and others are worried. It is a WASTE of emotional and psychological energy to either pretend the elephant doesn’t exist or to ignore it. 

2.       Avoid the blame game.  Self-righteousness keeps feelings of victimization on life support.

3.       Recognize that people really can’t compartmentalize their emotional states.  Happy, sad, stressed - one area of our life will seep into others.

4.       Stress, concern, and increased tension will cause people to have a short fuse. Expect more arguments and push back at work—but in strange and unexpected areas.  Help peers and yourself.  A re you angry at the person or task in front of you-or is it just a convenient target? (For action tools to address this check out The case of the convenient victim as well as the reply in the Feedback section of the next enews. )

5.       If you are targeted, attempt to recognize it as the person’s way of expressing frustration.

6.       Anger is an energy-redirect the energy. Take a walk. Take up kick boxing, write in a journal, have a 5 minute pity party, clean your workspace, jump up and down.

7.       60 second vent-write down everything that is pissing you off, irritating you or otherwise is “just not fair”. Cross out what is outside your immediate influence or it will take more time and emotional energy than you have this week.  Determine what is within your circle of influence.  Don’t ruminate over the rest. 

8.       Create best case-worst case & most likely case scenarios. Have an action plan for each.

9.       Think of 10 things that you are grateful for –write those on 10 sticky notes and post them around your work space.

10.   Then pick 1 thing that you can do something about and do just one small thing.

I admit it. I love, love, love reality TV. Project Runway, The Apprentice, Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares, The Amazing Race, The Next Food Network Star.  I spend every Sunday catching up on the trauma and drama of people fighting to make it to the top or stay out of the bottom.

Why do I love these shows that glorify malfunction, back biting, and nastiness?  Because as someone who dives into other’s conflict all the time, it is like Jane Goodall observing the chimps.

What is good for ratings and interesting entertainment is actually horrid for the workplace. Through shows like the Apprentice, Hell’s Kitchen, and Project Runway naïve people are learning everything not to do to be successful at work.

Teamwork? No way!  Look out for number one.  Respectful communication?  Nope. Snipe and gossip.  Conflict resolution skills?  Forget it!

One lesson that is spot on…if you mess with someone, they will not forget and will try and take you down.

Trouble sleeping this week?  Workplace stress might be the culprit. The September issue of Body and Soul magazine cites a University of Michigan study found that “people who often feel hassled on the job were more likely to develop sleep problems. In fact”, says Body and Soul, “everyday struggles with coworkers seem to disrupt sleep even more than long hours, night shifts, or job insecurity.” 

Yep.  I have experienced that.  And still experience disrupted sleep when work pressure (often self-imposed) increases.  Anyone else experience this?  Maybe the better question is “has anyone experienced you as cranky, ill-tempered, abrupt, even snarky because you were stress and sleep deprived.  Do I even need to say how that will not help you career advancement?  Did you even recognize that you weren’t at your best or did someone point it out to you?  How did you recover?

While I am no expert on sleep, I do know that tired = cranky and non productive.  If you need some resources to address sleep check out the articles on Body and Soul on sleep .  If you would like more info on how to address the tension check out the Enews archive. (You may want to check out the H.A.L.T. Article inparticular).   To hear a a newscast on the U of Michigan report click here.

We often think about conflict as something to be avoided. Unfortunately we do get caught up in the trauma and drama of the workplace and can’t figure out how to get out of the mess-without more trauma, drama and mess. 

Well, I just read this great article in the October issue of Pink Magazine (for a FREE trial issue go to www.pinkmagazine.com).  The article  Diamond Deal by Tiffany Meyers.  Don’t be put off by what looks like a bad ad for a pyramid scheme jewelry franchise.  The article has some concrete tips on how to get deals done.  These tips are readily transferable to how to address tough situation at work.

There are 5 main categories that provide 21 tips.  Here are my top 5 of those 21 tips.

1)      Listen to Learn-Since much of the information you need isn’t on the surface, get comfortable reading between the lines.

2)      Thinking Past the Handshake-In the heat of the moment, when emotion might otherwise cloud judgment, return to the objectives you’ve identified as important.

3)      Maintaining Perspective- Acknowledge strong emotions if they crop up-but don’t let them drive decisions.

4)      Calling for Backup-Understand that you’ll probably never have all the information you want or feel that you need.

5)      Setting the Tone- Know what the other side stands to gain from the deal, Once you understand that , negotiations are easy.

In the traditional models of male group dynamics the new members of the group undergo some form of hazing to “earn” their way into the group.  Once “in” the group, the new guy is made the butt of jokes or “given grief” as a demonstration of his belonging.
Ask a women the last time, she felt “in” when she was made the butt of a joke.  To the average female, being made the object of exclusion or ridicule is the exact opposite of belonging and a BIG BLINKING SIGNAL THAT SHE STOP TRYING TO BECOME PART OF THE GROUP BECAUSE—for whatever reason- SHE IS NOT WELCOME.

In the workplace, the worst thing is to be viewed as disengaged or “not team player”.  In life, it is awful to feel purposefully excluded and have no control to “get back into the game.”   What maybe intended as a sign of inclusion-kidding around, target of practical jokes-teasing maybe perceived as harassment, retaliation or purposeful exclusion.  NOT what is desired in the workplace for full engagement.

Think about it.

So what do to be a great employer?  Well lots of things. My focus is on how the culture and the management treats employees (even the management) and how organziations foster good conflict management.   As you may know, I regularly write a Free Enews (see www.managingconflict.com) to help people deal with workplace tension and conflict. 

I solicit feedback. Here is one piece of feedback that got me thinking and my response. 

I read your newsletter every time it comes and I like the format generally. I am trying to think why it doesn’t really grab me.

I think I finally figured it out.

Human resources and work place conflicts are due to people getting together to do business. It is like carpooling. If the driver is reckless the ride will be difficult not to mention the wear and tear on the occupants and the business/vehicle itself. But if the ride is smooth and deliberate the ride will be successful with pleasant and comfortable occupants.

It is almost as if the part of business is ignored unintentionally. I wonder how many owners come away with this same feeling. Unless a conflict rears its head I am not going to worry about this. It is like business fraud though – only a fraction of the amount that is really going on gets detected and then by accident after a great part of the damage has been done. These are just my thoughts – I may be wrong.

DAN
Carol Responds:
Awesome insight.  Conflict does lurk under the surface and often goes undetected. AND well run work places often take what goes well for granted.

So let’s take the conversation to a different place.  I want to hear from those of you whose workplaces DO handle things well. What are your secrets, tactics, strategies?

So folks, what are your secrets, tactics, and strategies.  What does your company or a singular person do that makes your workplace fairly stress free?

What are these people thinking?!?!?!?!?! You have heard it. You have said it. But what can you do about “them”? The people that drive you crazy.

Understand that no one wakes up in the morning and says “I want to look like a jackass today!” People make decisions with the hope of the best pay off. Most people crave respect, dignity, and peaceful relationships. Generally, it is how “the other guy” goes about getting his needs met that rubs people the wrong way.

So ask yourself what is it about the person that is driving you crazy ?

Is it the way that he or she is going about something or is it that you don’t know what he or she is trying to accomplish?

Assume that that “crazy maker” does what respect and acknowledgment. Then determine if they are making you crazy because you would handle it differently. If you would handle it differently, it is a matter of style rather than substance.

However, if you are the supervisor or head honcho, you could be driving people crazy with your preferences unless everyone knows, understands, and appreciates that standards you set are essential to a functioning organization or department & not just “I am in change and that is the way I like it” power trip.

So let people know your reasoning on the front end.

Ask for their opinions-listen. Once people feel heard, they tend to become much “saner”.

In the traditional models of male group dynamics the new members of the group undergo some form of hazing to “earn” their way into the group. Once “in” the group, the new guy is made the butt of jokes or “given grief” as a demonstration of his belonging.
Ask a women the last time, she felt “in” when she was made the butt of a joke. To the average female, being made the object of exclusion or ridicule is the exact opposite of belonging and a BIG BLINKING SIGNAL THAT SHE STOP TRYING TO BECOME PART OF THE GROUP BECAUSE—for whatever reason- SHE IS NOT WELCOME.

In the workplace, the worst thing is to be viewed as disengaged or “not team player”.

In life, it is awful to feel purposefully excluded and have no control to “get back into the game.” What maybe intended as a sign of inclusion-kidding around, target of practical jokes-teasing maybe perceived as harassment, retaliation or purposeful exclusion. NOT what is desired in the workplace for full engagement.

Think about it. Then take a look around. How does your workgroup let individuals know that they are “Teamplayers”? How do you? Is this based on “the way we have always done it?” Is it possible that your method falls into either a “male” or “female” model?

If so, have there been any unintended consequences??

I just read this great article  by Jocelyn Noveck of the Associated Press about  (now former) Governor of New York-Eliot Spitzer. The headline read “Why the powerful do dumb things?” As someone who regularly dives into situation where people made some pretty poor choice.  Ms. Noveck had me hooked.  She then had me laughing and nodding with 100% agreement.  

 “ Yet, if the New York Governor is proved to have been involved in a prostitution ring, it would hardly be the first time that a powerful, brilliant person in public life has done something dizzyingly self destructive.”

Dizzyingly self destructive.  I love that quote and as a person who steps in to messes at work. I say that Ms. Novek is on the mark.  Much of what I see is that people create circumstances where they get in their own way –primarily by making poor choices. Choices, by the way, that seemed like a good idea at the time.  So Governor Spitzer, I am sure that calling a prostitute from a hotel room seemed like a viable option to pass the time….whatever.

However, talk about not seeing the forest for the trees. I think had he asked for some advice or disclosed his idea to a trusted advisor –even his dog- his actions might have been different.  Yet, how often do we make choices in secret. Don’t seek objective feedback. Bounce ideas off of someone to our detriment?

Here is the other part of the article that I really liked “ In order to be such a high profile position, you have to believe that what you are din gin innately right” 

 So how does this apply to the average working person, manager, or owner?  Simple, we too lack introspection. Managers-realistically- can not delve in to deep consequential anaylsis with every decision.  The nature of management is to make decisions –often decisions that impact the lives of others.

Work Life Balance Is a Myth!! I know that I am about to skewer a sacred cow here.  Expose the fact that the transparent, dangling carrot of achieving “balance” between the demands of the workplace, demands of home life and the aspiration of achieving harmony, Zen, and self-fulfillment is as real as the Wizard of Oz.

Well, I am saying it.  There is no balance. Every time I hear the term, I feel a boiling rage inside. Why? Because I get a mental image of a circus seal with a hat balancing on a big, beach ball, on one flipper.  I also have flashbacks of attempting to bend myself into a pretzel in vain attempts to achieve the balance.
Balance no. Congruence, yes.

Work and life must be in congruence with one another.  Banish the guilt. Banish the fallacy “if I just worked harder,” “if I was a better person,” “if I had better time management skills,” “if I just didn’t stay up watching CSI Miami last night.”
So how does this relate to conflict at work?  Simple - if people are over-stressed, blaming and shaming themselves for not being good enough and not doing good enough, they are ripe for workplace conflict.  They are overly sensitive to criticism.  They may withdraw.  Or worse, lash out inappropriately.  The result is damaged credibility and damaged workplace relationships.
Anyone else out there felt pretzel-like?  Interested in your comments.