Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 7, October 2007

• Reading: Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 4, The Bully Factor - Matador Training
• Action Tools
• Where's Carol??
• Ask Carol
• Workplace Conflict Expert Says...
• That's Worth Repeating
• Recommended Reading

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 4, The Bully Factor - Matador Training

Are you a bully? Are you? Let’s ask the question another way …do other people think you bully to get your way? Surprisingly, the answer is more often than not “Yes!” Other people do think that you bully—at least on occasion.

Amazon.com lists 677 books on the search category “Bullies at work.” When I typed in “Bosses who Bully” to Google.com, it returned…get this 206,000 links in .17 seconds.

Personally, I believe that the world is a much better place than that. I don’t think as a society we would function at all if there were so many purposeful bullies out there. Did you catch that distinction. Purposeful. Rather than the accidental or oblivious kind.

I might be getting ahead of myself, talking about bullies before actually defining the term. My definition is someone by his or her behavior causes others to feel threatened or steamrolled.

Here is where the gender part comes to play. Men and women bully differently.

Men tend to bully by posturing or through using power-plays to get their own way. You know, and perhaps have had the unfortunate experience of the receiving end of at bully’s wrath. Aggressive and confrontational communication style. “My way or the highway” managerial style. Bulling in men tends to be overt and over-the-top.

Women, on the other hand, tend to bully via exclusion or through emotional sabotage. Calling into question your competence or using a “silent” treatment to exclude and punish.

So what to do?

START TRAINING TO BE A MATADOR!!

Bullies bully because there is a pay off. The trick is to discover what the payoff is for the bully and take it away. Is it power to make you do stuff? Start taking an affirmative role to reclaim your power of choice. Is it to make you feel bad? If so recognize by responding in the way that the bully wants you to you are reinforcing the power that the bully exercises over you and YOU ARE GIVING THEM THEIR BIG PAYDAY. Try the Action Tools below and begin your formal Matador training. TORRO!!!!

Action Tools

These action tools are designed to combat bullies in the workplace. AND they will work for both male and female Torros.

1. Uncover the Pay off. Bullies bully to get something. Try and figure it out. Then…
   
   
2. Ask the bully!!! Yep, you heard me right. When the bully is doing his or her thing. Ask… “Are you doing this because you can?’’ Or “Are you doing this purposefully to make me feel bad?” Or “What is going on that you are…..” By naming the impact you are calling the behavior. Sometimes the person may be an unintentional bully and not recognize the impact his or her actions have on others.

1. Be firm about staying in the conversation. Often bullies use a tactic that is intended to take the conversation off track. They will blame you for the bad behavior or say something like “well, you do bad stuff too, like...” Stand firm. It is a well used tactic because most people fold like a lawn chair and give up. Don’t. Here is what you will do “We are not talking about me now. We can talk about me or that situation. Right now the conversation is about….”

1. Expect to hold firm for at least 3 tries to steer the conversation away from them to you. Hang in there. Either the conversation will move forward or the bully will give up and ….No more Bully because you just took away the payoff!!! Ole!!

If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work? I have a special program can help. Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com . I am happy to help you out.

New Feature!!!
Ask Carol

I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know—those off to the side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad “Mojo” at work.

Q: Hi Carol! Here's a challenge for you…

My daughter recently quit her job, after getting her high school diploma, to work for her father in his home-based business. His business has grown tremendously.

The problem is that he is having a hard time treating her as an employee rather than his daughter. I'm supposed to be the "mediator" if there is a problem.

Any readings or suggestions on how to approach this one in a balanced way?

Thanks!
R

A: Yikes!

My first thought is what is the impact on the other employees? (If there are other employees????)

The second thought is that if hubby and daughter have chosen to engage in a different type of relationship, they—not you—need to talk about what their expectations are of one another and how much blurring of the lines between father/daughter and boss/employee they think is allowable with out damaging the other relationship.

Finally, if they are grown up—and you said that they are—they need to work this out for themselves and not put you in the middle. So my professional advise is stay out of it. [That is what I do with family disputes] You can support each with out taking sides. For example if someone starts “telling tales out of school” you can say “That sounds like something you need to talk to your daughter about…”

More new stuff!!! Conflict Management Strategies BLOG!!!
The Workplace Conflict Expert Says…

That’s worth repeating…

“We learn something by doing it. There is no other way”

John Holt

Recommended Reading:

I bought this because I loved the title. “Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job-working with narcissists, borderlines, sociopaths, schizoids, and others.” I also thought that it would explore workplace personalities in a funny way. Once I got into it, it really is about dealing with psychological disorders at work. It gives some concrete tips so that you don’t loose your mind in the process.

Excerpt:
“ Although it is true that not all ‘people problems’ in an organizational setting are caused by personality disorders, we believe that these problems are more frequent than most organizations are aware of . Moreover, we’ve see how this problem can function like a hidden cancer, slowly and persistently sucking the life out of viable organizations…..”

Where's Carol???

Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict, train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.

October 31, 2007
"The Magic of the Mediator-Mediation Skills for the HR Professional" through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com

December 10, 2007
Bellingham School District BASE Program: The Roadmap to Resolution!

January 17, 2008
"No Shouting, No Singing Kumbaya - Mediation Skills for the Executive" through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com