Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 4, Summer 2007

• Reading: Gender and Conflict at Work: Are you in the "In-Crowd"? Part 1
• Action Tools - Developing Gender Situational Awareness
• Where's Carol??

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

Gender and Conflict at Work: Are you in the "In-Crowd?"
Part 1 - On The Outs - Women

I was NOT in the “In-Crowd”

When I was in 2nd grade there was a group of girls that I wanted to play with.  Being a proactive, get-in-the-game person, I walked up and asked to join the game.   Instead of saying “yes” or “no”, the little alpha female….get this…whinnied at me.  Yes, you read that correctly. She whinnied at me.  Like a horse.

Are you stumped?  I was too.  So, I asked again.  She whinnied at me, AGAIN!  Tossed her hair and pranced away with all the non-dominate females following behind her. Well, I tried to ask another girl in the group.  Do you know what happened?  She whinnied at me too!

I share this with you because it is an archetypal example of how women use group dynamics to exclude. What I experienced at 7, many grown women experience at work-daily.  Even more disturbing is that this seemingly childish tactic works to send a powerful, albeit silent message that “you are not welcomed here- stop trying to be part of the group.”

As I sit here typing this, I can see hundreds of women saying “Well, DUH!”  While simultaneously hundreds of men saying “HUH?”  That, my friends is the problem.  Often we are blind to how the opposite gender either “gets it” or “doesn’t.”

Men DON’T Whinny

Thank goodness.  Men do have ways of showing whether or not you “are one of the guys.” (I will attempt to “eat this goat” with the help of a few male trusted advisors next issue).  The point I want to emphasize here is that there are behaviors that are perceived by women to be exclusionary whether or not the intent is to actually be exclusionary.

Here is an example of purposeful exclusion that missed the mark.  Recently, I spoke to a group of employees about how men and women deal with conflict differently in the workplace. (One of my favorite topics, by the way.)  Afterwards, a woman approached me to tell me that she was purposefully shunning and shutting out a female co-worker’s attempts to chat during breaks, go for lunchtime walks, and get together outside of work.  Why?  Because the co-worker, boss actually, was unliked, distrusted, and the thorn in the collective side of the department. Unfortunately, the other women “didn’t get it” and kept trying to be included.

In all likelihood, boss will never get it until she is told directly.  However, the women I spoke with will never tell the boss directly because she believes the signals that she is sending ( not inviting the boss to lunch, not sharing personal details, and not including the boss in all the reindeer games) that the boss is not welcomed are so obvious that any intelligent person would understand. Obvious to the worker, anyway.

Confused.  Don’t worry.  Coming to grips with how gender impacts the workplace is, as my friend says “ a Big Sandwich to Eat.”  Just take a minute to stop and look around your own workplace.  Situational awareness if the first step in creating better working relationships.

Below are some Action Tools to help you develop “Gender Situational Awareness”.

Action Tools

Take a look around your workplace. Are there cliques? (There are.) Do the cliques purposefully exclude others from work projects or social interactions?

Explore the terrain by asking around. How would someone know if they are liked and respected around here?” or “How would someone know if they weren’t liked or respected?” Do this with multiple people, male and female, particularly those people who are influential in the department /organization and those people who think that they are influential.  My guess is that you will be surprised by the responses AND that male coworkers will give you VERY different answers from your female coworkers.

If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work?  I have a special program can help.  Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com .  I am happy to help you out.

Next Month: Gender and Conflict at Work: “What In-Crowd?” Workplace Dynamics from (a few) Men’s Perspective.

New eNews Feature: Recommended Reading:

Here is a book recommendation from Ann Girade of the University of Washington MBA Career Services Department.  I met Ann in May while presenting   “Toto, we aren’t in mid-level management anymore! Conflict Management- Executive Style” to the University of Washington Executive MBA and IT MBA program.

Scapegoats at Work: Taking the Bull's-Eye Off Your Back

It looks like an interesting read.  Check it out and let me know what you think.

New Item:  That’s worth repeating…

“In conflict we react because we care.”

Michelle LeBaron
Bridging Cultural Conflicts

Where's Carol???

Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict, train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.

July 16-21, 2007
Basic Mediation Training
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
Tacoma, Washington
www.pccdr.org

September 20, 2007
CFDD National Conference
Co-Presentation with Jeanette Nyden,
Owner J. Nyden & Co.
www.JNyden.com

“They did what? Un-freaking’-believable! How people get in their own way during negotiations at work and what to do about it.”

October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO