Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 6, September 2007

• Reading: Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 3, Face to Face or Shoulder to Shoulder?
• Action Tools
• Where's Carol??

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 3, Face to Face or Shoulder to Shoulder?

I can’t tell you how many times I see well meaning people getting in their own way because of gender blind spots. I am going to share a HUGE gender blind spot with you…in just a second.

First, I want you to do something.  It is a little thing—that is really a big thing.  Recall your last in person conversation.  Was it with a male or a female?  How were you standing in relation to that person?

I am willing to bet $$$$$$$$$$ that if you are a male reading this and the conversation was in the workplace and with a female coworker, boss or vendor, you could tell me how you far you were standing from the women.  (That is where that sex harassment safety zone starts for you.  YES, ladies, this is a persistent and underlying concern for the vast majority of men in the work place.  See Scott’s comments below in the Feedback Section )

While your sex harassment safety zone may be a large concern, for purpopses of this little exercise, I am less concerned with where you were standing in relation to that person. I am interested in how you were standing in relation to that person.

Where you face to face or shoulder to shoulder?

Chances are if you are female you were standing in a face to face position. (Others have called this “heart to heart”-but that is too mushy for my taste).

If you are male you were most likely standing or sitting shoulder to shoulder.

Who cares?

Actually, the other guy probably does. A lot.  We judge others interest in and respect for us based largely how much that person mirrors our conversation style. Conversation style can include tone of voice, pacing, pitch, and body language.  We assume that if the other person’s body language does not appropriately mirror ours that the person is disinterested, disrespectful, or downright rude.

This is how people get in their own way, by assuming that because the other person does not act - including body position - just like you there is either supidity, rudeness, or disrespect. AND... Here is the scary part, YOU act accordingly by treating them with contempt, disdain or fear.  The interpretation may be completely off, but you will react as if it were true.  I have heard it over and over again from clients “he doesn’t take me seriously!”  “He isn’t listening.”  “We just aren’t engaging….”

Are you sensing a “he” centered comments. Yes.  Me too.  So here is a lesion for the ladies. Do not assume that you are not being listened to if there is not direct eye contact or someone is not facing you directly. You could be totally wrong. As a result self-sabotaging.

According to my colleague Gary Harper, author of the Joy of Conflict Resolution”   “men [tend] bond shoulder to shoulder in performing a task more so than face to face.”  And who doesn’t want to have a good—bonded—working relationships?

Try out the tools below to see how you interact with others at work.  By doing so you will begin to eliminate the gender blind spots that negatively impact working relationships.

Action Tools

Here are some tools and exercises to help you “foster a better arena for accomplishments by both males and females.” (Thanks to reader Dan Cunningham for that Great Phrase).  Try these out and see what insights you gain.  Let me know how it goes.

Look at 3 same sex interactions this week.  Notice how the people position themselves relate to one another.  Are they shoulder to shoulder?  Face to Face? Or something in between?

Next look at 3 mixed gender conversations.  Do people position themselves the same or differently in relation to one another than the same sex group.

Self assess.  How do you position your self? Are you a face to face?  A shoulder to shoulder?  Are you judging and possibly blaming and shaming others based on how they position themselves relative to you?

Try mirroring them.  If they stand face to face. Try standing face to face.  If they go for the shoulder to shoulder.  Go for that.

Try these.  Your rapport will increase.

If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work?  I have a special program can help.  Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com .  I am happy to help you out.

Feedback from last months Enews, Gender and Conflict at Work: Part 2, Men Don't Whinny

“Your article hit close to home!  Your comments on men were spot on for the majority of men (99%). I read your Action Tools and let me share my insights from the Business environment “men” must strive to live in today.

Men today are gun-shy to ask a woman out to work ALONE. Not is there only the chance of gossip spreading BUT if she is single she may perceive this as “A relationship” and if it is not, “God hath no fury like a women scorned”, for she could complain and he is unemployed.

[As for going to coffee], men do not care to discuss the type of coffee used, age or whether or not the coffee pot isn’t cleaned out daily – they want hot coffee (and donuts too).  The man who tries to use coffee as a bonding tool notes how the others are task-driven and the others note how he is a lazy bum not doing his work as they are.”

Scott - Security Specialist

“Tasks are important… but there are also the “good ole boys club” or “executive wash room” where the group is also important to the guy. That really depends on the size of the organization to a large degree. But certain circles exist – and if you’re not part of that certain circle, that could be a huge plus or a hindrance to your career."

Tom

“The insight you offer into gender differences was intriguing. I’ll be sensitized to how I respond to people as a result. I recognize that I have a threshold which when exceeded is pretty binary. It’s not a lack of forgiveness, but it is a lack of trust in potentially being let down again. My personal question is -- how many disappointments does it take to cross my threshold?  Since it’s my 31st wedding anniversary tomorrow, my wife has an outstanding record. This is useful content and the conversational tone is great. Thanks for this condensed nugget.”

Dan - Consultant

That’s worth repeating…

“This ability to persevere despite obstacles and setbacks is the quality people most admire in others, and justly so; it is probably the most important trait not only for succeeding in life, but for enjoying it as well”

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Recommended Reading:

This book is a favorite of mine. Completely dog eared and marked up. I regularly hand it out to participants and clients primarily because it has so many ready-made phrases that you can use.

Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. All from the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Excerpt: “Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still going to do damage. Try as you may, there’s no way to throw a hand grenade with tact or to outrun the consequences. And keeping it to yourself is no better. Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like handing on to a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.

“So we feel stuck. We need advice that is more powerful than ‘Be diplomatic’ or ‘Try and stay positive.’ The problems run deeper than that; so must the answers….”

Carol in the Press

“Workplace Conflict Expert AND Entrepreneur!"

Carol Bowser, President of Conflict Management Strategies Inc, was recently featured in the Puget Sound Business Examiner’s Women of Influence Edition. While we here at Conflict Management Strategies know that Carol is a woman of influence, this Cover Page Article titled “Ladies Who Launch” featured her entrepreneurial talents. Click here for the link to the article and check it out!

Where's Carol???

Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict, train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.

October 12 - 14 and October 27 - 28
Basic Mediation Training
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
www.pccdr.org

October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO
www.aaspa.org/professional/annual_conference

October 31, 2007
"The Magic of the Mediator-Mediation Skills for the HR Professional" through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com

January 17, 2008
"No Shouting, No Singing Kumbaya - Mediation Skills for the Executive" through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com