Gender & Conflict: Water Cooler Conversations

Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 4, April 2007

Reading: Gender and Conflict at Work
Action Tools
Where's Carol??

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

Gender and Conflict at Work: Water Cooler Conversations
Avoidance or Gathering Support?

"Carol, I don't get it! Why are women so passive-aggressive?" Talk about a loaded question! I have heard it many times from both men and women.

Here is the thing, often "loaded" questions actually express sincere interest hidden in confusion. Let's face it talking about gender can hit a lot of hot buttons. There can be a lot of blaming and shaming at the mere mention of "men's issues" or "women's issues."

To quote one of my favorite '80's bands "people are people so why should it be that you and I get along so awfully."

Gender influences how individuals respond (or chose not to respond) to conflict. From the outset, I want to state that I am not here to say that one approach or gender is "right" or "wrong." I am saying that people approach conflict differently. Some approaches are more likely to achieve your desired outcomes than other approaches.

Whichever approach you choose, however, YOU WILL BE JUDGED BY OTHERS BASED ON HOW WELL YOUR APPROACH MIRRORS THEIR APPROACH in style, tone, content, and timing.

Here is an example:

A male colleague of mine asked me "Carol, can't women just be up front? I would love it if the women in my office would just tell me what is going on. Instead, they talk among themselves. It is so passive-aggressive and unproductive!"

Is it unproductive? Maybe not. Recall from the last eNews "Out of Bounds" that a KEY ACTION TOOL to address inappropriate behavior to talk to a trusted advisor.

In "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," Deborah Tannen, Ph.D, gives similar advice. She calls the venting to a trusted advisor "troubles talk."

At its best the "troubles talk" allows someone to get clear on their thinking and thoughtfully consider what action to take. At its worst, "troubles talk" digresses into more blaming, shaming, and coalition building. The result of the downward spiral of troubles talk is this: you are viewed as an instigator, colluder, malcontent, non-team player (whatever that means) or PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.

To leverage the benefits of the "trusted advisor," the conversation must evolve into constructive problem solving and action planning.

In the upcoming weeks, observe how conversations unfold or unravel in your workplace. Is there "troubles talk" going on? Does someone take a leadership role and steer the conversation from venting to problem solving and action plans? Alternatively, does the situation even call for an action plan?

If you are involved in the conversation, are you acting to support resolution? The Action Tools below will help. Use them. Tell me how it goes.

B a ck to Top

Sneak Preview:

In the upcoming issues of Conflict Management Strategies, the
Focus is Gender and Conflict. Do you have stories to share or questions to ask? Email me ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com

Action Tools

The following action tools are designed to prevent "troubles talk" to encourage "productive talk." The tools will vary depending on what role you play in the situation. Find your role below and try the tools out.

You:

Ask yourself: "What about the situation did not meet my expectations?" "What approaches are available to me?"

Explain the situation to a Trusted Advisor by starting with "This is how I see the situation…" Then ask "What do you think? Am I missing something?"

Brainstorm methods to make it better. Decisions to exclude, blackball, or undermine someone else, while temporarily satisfying, will NEVER solve anything. A nice fantasy, but move on to more productive, less destructive, and less like an 8 year old.

Trusted Advisor:

Ask over and over "So what are you going to do about it?"

Give supportive and constructive feedback.

Co-worker:

While you may not be a trusted advisor, you can be a voice of reason. As much as possible steer the conversation back to problem solving. If individuals or groups refuse to move to problem solving, say "if you want to bounce ideas around on how to approach the issue, let me know. Otherwise, I need to get back to work."

Supervisor:

Not all "troubles talk" is passive aggressive. Some folks just need someone to talk to. Encourage your employees to trouble shoot with one another. If someone comes to complain, listen and encourage problem solving.

Ask: "What ideas do you have to address the situation?" This moves from complaining to problem solving.

Where's Carol???

Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict, train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.

May 2, 2007
American Association of State Highway Transportation Officers
National Conference, Portland, OR

The 7 Deadly Sins That Prevent HR & Training from Becoming a Strategic Partner (And What to Do About It).
www.transportation.org/meetings

May 3, 2007
University of Washington Executive/Technology Management MBA Program
Spring Executive Networking Event
Kirkland, WA

"Toto, we aren’t in mid-level management anymore!" Conflict Management- Executive Style.
bschool.washington.edu/tmmba/

May 5, 2007
Northwest Alternate Dispute Resolution Conference

"The Human BLEVE"
www.mediate.com/nwadr or www.uwcle.org

May 9, 2007
Dept of the Navy
Human Resources Service Center Northwest
Leadership Conference
Bremerton, WA

"Creating Spaces for Conflict Management"

September 20, 2007
CFDD National Conference
Co-Presentation with Jeanette Nyden,
Owner J. Nyden & Co.
www.JNyden.com

"They did what? Un-freaking'-believable! How people get in their own way during negotiations at work and what to do about it."

October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO