Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 13, April 2008

• Reading: Is "UNFAIR!" the same as "illegal?"
  And why you should care.
• Action Tools
• Ask Carol
• Feedback
• That's Worth Repeating
• Recommended Reading
• Where's Carol??

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

"UNFAIR!" the same as "illegal?" And why you should care.

My work as a mediator for the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has taught me many things. For instance, Spokane Washington does shut down due to ice storms. You can be stranded in Alaska because a volcano is erupting. Most importantly, my work has taught me that the vast majority of employees believe that “unfair” equals illegal.

As a recovering Employment Law Attorney, I am here to tell you that unfair does not equal illegal. What is legal may indeed be unfair to a particular person. Some times what seems "the fair" thing to do is illegal. (Don’t even get me started on how this plays out again and again and again with overtime issues.)
Why should you care? Because if you don’t understand that employees of all ranks use the word "unfair" synonymously with illegal you will escalate workplace tension and conflict needlessly.

Face it. If someone says "ILLEGAL" as an employer, co-worker, or HR person you will feel attacked. "What!!! You say.  "NO WAY!!! I (we, the company) did nothing wrong!!" You react as though attacked and counter with denial or anger.  And the sucking vortex of pissed off is now running in both directions.

My work has shown me (and please, please, please benefit from my experience here) that what people generally mean when they say "illegal" is "unfair." AND the intention is to draw attention to a situation that they want fixed or at least some attention drawn to.

The unintended consequence of saying "illegal" or "harassment" or "discrimination" is to put into action formal investigations or complaint processes. NONE of which are designed, intended or can solve the area of concern. They simply are not problem solving mechanisms.  They are forms of fact finding investigations that focus on who did what rather than problem solving.

So take a listen. In your work place, do you hear rumblings of "unfair" or "illegal." If so, that is your Siren’s song to explore (not investigate) what is concerning the person or group.  Use the Action Tools below to help.

I am curious to hear about your experiences with the unfair v. illegal situation. Send me an email or give me a ring.

Action Tools

These Action Tools are designed to help you respond when some one cries out "illegal" and what they really mean is "unfair!"

1. No freaking out. Often people use the words "harassment" or "discrimination" or "safety violation" to bring immediate attention to a situation.  What they really want is not an investigation, but a solution to the problem that they bring forward.
   
   
2. Don’t jump in and immediately tell the person that they are wrong or say "We will need to immediately investigate."
   
   
3. Breathe in. Breathe out.  Breathe in. Breathe out.
   
   
4. As calmly as possible state, "This sounds important."
   
   
5. Then ask, "What is going on?"
   
   
6. Shut up and give them 120 seconds for them to tell you their uninterrupted version of events.
   
   
7. Repeat what you understood them to say was "unfair."

Why? Because most people just want to be heard.  If you offer the possibility of an investigation immediately rather than listening to the concerns brought forward I guarantee that they will take you up on the offer.

Ask Carol

I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know – those off-to-the-side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad "Mojo" at work.

Q: Hi Carol, you often talk about starting by focusing on the other person.  Why do I always have to start where "they" are?

A: Glad you asked.  Let rephrase your question. “Why can’t I focus on me sooner?”  Because everyone wants to focus on themselves.  The result is that everyone is focusing on themselves rather than trying to figure out what is not working.  The end result of focusing on the other person more-what is getting under their skin, why they are trusting you to bring the issue forward, what their proposal is to “fix” the situation, allows you to gain a greater understanding of the problem from their point of view and takes less time and energy in the long run.

Feedback

"You're newsletter is terrific. Great job Carol."

Carol –Thanks!

That’s worth repeating…

"Empowered people understand that
behavior is a choice"

John Huff –HR Professional

Recommended Reading

Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations by William Ury.
This book came highly recommended by my pal Jeanette Nyden the negotiation guru (check her out at www.jnyden.com).  I just bought my copy.

Excerpt: "We may all be negotiators, yet many of us don't like to negotiate.  We see negotiation as stressful confrontation. We see ourselves faced with an unpleasant choice. If we are "soft" in order to preserve the relationship, we end up giving up our position. If we are "hard" in order to win our position, we strain the relationship or perhaps lose it all together…"

The Set-Up-To-Fail Syndrome: Overcoming the Undertow of Expectations
Once again a recommendation from a trusted colleague Amy Hedin of Human Point (www.human-point.com).  I haven’t read it yet, but I just bought it.  After reading the first page I am intrigued…and maybe mildly outraged.

Excerpt: "Some employees are not up to their assigned tasks, and never will be, owing to a lack of knowledge, skill, or simple desire.  But sometimes-and we would go so far as to sway often- an employee’s poor performance can be blamed largely on his or her boss."

Where's Carol???

June 11, 2008

The Magic of the Mediator-Mediation Skills for the HR Professional

Seattle, WA
Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com

June 19, 2008

How to Survive the Chaos, Commotion, and Caterwauling that comes from Organizational Change: Tactics And Strategies To Manage And Prevent The Conflict of organizational change.

Tacoma, WA
South Puget Sound Chapter Human Resource Management Association
http://spsnhrma.shrm.org

Do you want to bring a dynamic speaker to your organization or conference?  Carol is scheduling engagements for 2008. 
Call or email now to bring Carol to you!
(253)219-5532
ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com

Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.