Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol III, Issue 7, November, 2006

THE ROAD MAP TO RESOLUTION

The email started like this, "I liked the idea of having a plan and it made me think about what Emotional Intelligence means. The idea of having a plan in place to deal with a problem professionally is not something I've heard before, and it makes perfect sense. Now, the question is, what's the plan that will be the most efficient?"

Excellent question! We will start that the beginning—as Julie Andrews tells us—a very good place to start.

Figure out where "the other guy" is-that is
THE STARTING POINT

Start by asking questions to uncover what is going on from the other person's point of view. Not the "what the heck where you thinking?!!?!!?!" variety. Why? Because of Bowser's Rule of the Universe #1.

No one comes to work thinking "Today I want to be perceived as the idiot, malcontent or That guy" You know what I mean--that guy/ gal that has the social skills of a rabid goat or the person that is, in fact, the big turd sitting in the center of the collective carpet.

Nope, most people want to feel intelligent, valued and respected at work AND, they will act in a way that they believe will lead others to view them as intelligent, valued, and respected.

The corollary to Bowser's Rule of the Universe #1 (See above) is Bowser's Rule of the Universe #2 Every decision made in the history of mankind—and there have been many, shall we say Loo-Loo's of Poor Judgment—made perfect sense to the person who made them. At least at the time.

So here is step one of the plan: Ask questions to find out what is driving, if not compelling, the person to act they way they do. Why does the action they propose make sense to them? What goal are they attempting to accomplish? Unless you know where you and they are starting from, you will fail in reaching resolution.

Next follow up with questions designed to increase your understanding of why –whatever they are doing or not doing
-- makes sense to them in their view of the world.

Now, here is advice in the negative which behavioralists will tell you never to do (because you then focus on what not to do, instead of what to do. For example, don't think of chocolate.). Do not, not, not, not, not argue, disparage or other wise tell the person that they are wrong or their point of view is not valid.

This will only serve to entrench the person in the rightness and possibility righteousness of their position or serve to demonstrate to them that you are to dense to understand it and to even talk with you will be a waste of their time.

Amazing isn't it. Before jumping to condemn them, consider are you any different? How open were you in a conversation when it struck you that the person is only there to attempt to coerce or dupe you into changing your mind or to "sell" you on an idea.

Now before you, as gramma says poo-poo me, consider that until you know what you are dealing with you may be working hard to solve the wrong problem.

Next month we will explore the next landmark on the "Roadmap to Resolution." Try the following action tools out when starting on the roadmap. Tell me how it goes.

Action Tools

Questions

• So what is going on?
• What about this situation is hitting you so close to the bone?
• How would you have liked the situation to be?
• What do you think the other person, manager, department was trying to accomplish?
• What do you think that person overlooked or didn't really appreciate?

So what if they say something really off the wall?
How do you respond? Easy. Try these.

• I never really thought about it that way.
• Wow, that is a different perspective that I hadn't considered. Tell me more about...

If they confront you …

You present a challenge. What do you think that we need to consider?

Where's Carol???

March 27, 2007
Fife Chamber of Commerce Employer Solutions Seminar
Rushforth Construction

"What Men Need to Know About Women,
Conflict & Workplace-But were too freaked out to ask."

To Register call: 253-922-9320 / 800-305-9926

July 20, 2007
Association of Public Safety Communication Officials
Washington State Conference
Wenatchee, WA
www.apcowa.org

October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO
www.aaspa.org