|
Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 2, February 2007
We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.
The Roadmap To Resolution: Mile Marker #4 - Lost in the Woods
According to Gary Harper, author of The Joy of Conflict Resolution, “Asking [for what we want] is both uncomfortable and empowering. It’s uncomfortable because we can no longer blame others and refuse to change, empowering because we become an active participant in changing our life. To reap the rewards of assertiveness, we have to risk the discomfort of confronting the person or the problem.”
Right on, Gary! (For those who are interested Gary along with me and other professional conflict resolution types will be presenting at the Northwest ADR Conference in May. See Where’s Carol below for the link)
Now, here is where most folks take the wrong fork in the road, deviating from the road to resolution onto the dark, scary uncomfortable road. Most people don’t know how to ask or be assertive without shaming and blaming or they fear that the other guy will respond to our genuine, authentic request with shame and blame. Frankly, what sane person would choose that option? Not me. No thanks. I get enough of that garbage without inviting it in.
Am I right?
If we do choose to go forward and take the risk sometimes we get lost in the woods of shame and blame. Well, here are some tips to help you find your way out—with minimal cuts, scraps and bruising.
Now, I can hear you saying “Carol, if it involves cuts, scrapes and bruising FORGET IT, LADY. NO WAY!” I hear and appreciate the concern. Yes, there is the potential for cuts, scrapes, and bruising. As with any fun activity, Skiing, Cooking, Playing with dogs, for goodness sake you run the risk of paper cuts just by reading a book. You can even fall off your meditation pillow while striving for zen. I have even been known to sleep wrong and wake up with a crick in my neck. NO activity is risk free. All learning and skill building involves risk to improve. In fact, I just saw a commercial with Tiger Woods who said “Sometimes to Get Better You Have to Get Worse.”
The point is that you may find addressing shame and blame head on a bit uncomfortable. Be brave and keep in mind that you are looking to improve the situation for the long term. The final outcome will be your life and with less stress, shame & blame.
Here are some Action Tools to help you Avoid the Shame and Blame Game. (BTW did I mention that Anger is just another form of Shame and Blame?) Use them. Practice them. You will get better.
Back to Top
Action Tools
These action tools are designed to help you defuse Shame and Blame in conversations.
If someone is shaming or blaming you:
- Try, really try to take the comments as that person’s way of expressing their frustration around the issue because they care about the situation.
- Recognize that shaming and blaming tactics are VERY EFFECTIVE in getting attention to issue. Focus your attention on the issue, not the baiting language.
- Ignore their unproductive comments & Restate their concerns.
- Move to Problem Solving. Be warned that people who use shame & blame to raise the issue, rarely have problem solving skills that is why they use shame and blame. So it is up to you to keep the conversation focused on the issue and keep it moving forward.
- REPEAT STEPS AS NECESSARY. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find your way out of the woods.
If YOU fall into the tempting trap of shaming and blaming:
- As soon as you recognize that you have personalized the problem or concern, Stop. By blaming someone else you disempowered yourself.
- If you entered the conversation with shame or blame, take a quick mental rest stop. Re-enter the conversation with a better frame of mind.
- Apologize for not starting correctly and ask if you can begin the conversation again. An apology is a surprisingly powerful method because it forces you to be accountable for yourself & people really respond to that.
Don’t be surprised if you or the other person(s) alternate between the initiator of SHAME AND BLAME and the recipient. When talking about things we care about (our jobs, our families….ourselves), taking the wrong fork in the road is a seductive choice.
Choose the correct fork in the road; however, if you find yourself lost in the woods, use these action tools. Your relationships will improve. Tell me how it goes.
Back to Top
Where's Carol???
Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict, train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.
March 16-18 & 31, April 1, 2007
Lead Mediation Trainer
Pierce County Center for Dispute Resolution
Basic Mediation Training.
www.pccdr.org
March 27, 2007
Fife Chamber of Commerce Employer Solutions Seminar
Rushforth Construction
"What Men Need to Know About Women,
Conflict & Workplace-But were too freaked out to ask."
To Register call: 253-922-9320 / 800-305-9926
May 5, 2007
Northwest Alternate Dispute Resolution Conference
“The Human BLEVE”
www.mediate.com/nwadr or www.uwcle.org
September 20, 2007
CFDD National Conference
Co-Presentation with Jeanette Nyden,
Owner J. Nyden & Co.
www.JNyden.com
“They did what? Un-freaking’-believable! How people get in their own way during negotiations at work and what to do about it.”
October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO
Back to Top
| 
eNews Archive
