Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 23, March 2009

• Reading: Strange Behavior at Work - What to Overlook and When to Look Deeper
• Action Tools
• Ask Carol
• Feedback
• That's Worth Repeating
• Recommended Viewing & Reading
• Where's Carol??

Strange Behavior at Work - What to Overlook and When to Look Deeper

Have you seen it? Or done it? You know... coworkers not really acting like themselves or, even worse, acting like super-intense versions of themselves. I have. Frankly, I have done it too. My intense mode kicking in or my "Whatever!" self turning on or my favorite coping mechanism: "This feels like a good time for a nap."

I mentioned in previous eNewsletters - when under stress, strange things will come out. People's fuses will be shorter or there will be random lash outs. What I didn't mention are the "Whatever's" and "Checkout's". All of which can be understandable, but still inappropriate at work. Some of these behaviors are best to overlook. Some need more attention.

Here are the behaviors that you should overlook (at least the first time.)

• Baiting - Any statement that begins with "you"; such as "You are a jerk", "You are difficult", or "You just don't get it". The "you" statements are really just expressions of frustration. Don't go off half-cocked and jump into an argument.
  
  
• More Baiting -Any Statement that contains "Always" or "Never".
  
  
• Temper Tantrums -No explanation needed, unless of course your method for dealing with temper tantrums in children or adults is to giving in to stop the annoyance (that is an entirely different article).
  
  
• Jerkiness - Most jerks are either 1) looking for attention or 2) looking to mess with you. Take away the pay off. Walk away.

Here are the behaviors that necessitate a Deeper Look.

• Silence - "You need to listen past the silence" to quote my favorite guilty pleasure - Xena, Warrior Princess. Silence and withdrawal are signs of deeper issues like depression and disengagement. Seek out conversations with folks who you have not seen or heard from in awhile.
  
  
• Whining - Imagine that whining is, in fact, indirect asking. Rather than dismissing the person, try to uncover what they want.
  
  
• The H, D, HE words - "Harassment", "Discrimination", and "Hostile Work Environment." As a person with legal training, I know that what the law calls "discrimination" is NOT what employees think it is. I do know that these words will get people's attention. Try to pay more attention to the behavior that these words are getting at.

By ignoring the red herrings and focusing on the subtler stuff, conflict is not escalated and people's concerns are acknowledged. Right now, we could all use a little acknowledgement.

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Action Tools

These action tools are designed to help you "overlook" the non-productive stuff and "pay more attention" to the more important and often overlooked stuff.

1. Recognize that people are not themselves.
2. Be gentle with those freaking out.  Freak-outs beget freak-outs unless you choose to not buy in.
3. See yelling and anger as a symptom of something the person values as threatened
4. To pay more attention- ask a lot of who, what, where, when questions
5. Avoid the "why" questions. Why's compel people to justify their behavior.

Good luck. With patience and perseverance, we will all get through this.

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Ask Carol

I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know – those off-to-the-side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad "Mojo" at work.

Q: My hours at work were reduced, but the reasons that were given don't make any sense. I have no idea what criteria the management used to decide whose hours would be reduced.  I don't know if I have a legal claim or not.  I do know that at a staff meeting my manager made passing reference to something that I do very part-time to earn a little extra.  This whole situation just feels weird.

A: I am sorry to hear about your reduction in hours. Even sorrier to hear that your management handled the situation in a way that made you doubt their competence and integrity.  Here is what I suggest.

Talk directly to your manager or HR. Express your desire to understand what is going on. Tell them that you are confused because the reasons that were given didn't apply to you.  Share that you are unsure of how or why your having another source of income should be a deciding factor.

Understand that you are likely not to get the full story; i.e. why you were chosen for the reduction and not someone else. You can frame the conversation in terms of understanding the process and general criteria used.

This can also be a jumping-off point for making sure that ANYONE tasked with delivering layoff or reducing hours is clear on the process and clear on how to communicate the news to the impacted employees.

UPDATE- The person who asked the question did follow up with HR and is much more satisfied with the answers she received.

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Feedback

The dog eating leg video was hilarious!        
-- John

Carol Responds:
I LOVE IT TOO. Here is the link in case anyone missed it or just wants to see it again.  Often some of my best inspiration for the Articles (here is a link to the article archive), Action Tools, even the White Papers come from friends, clients and colleagues.  I love receiving video downloads, resources, and book recommendations that I can pass on, so if you see any, send them my way.

That's worth repeating…

"The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

-- William James

Recommended Viewing & Reading

VIEWING

After You

This is my FAVORITE, FAVORITE download ever.  I have been waiting for the right eNews theme to share it with you. Short, funny, and illustrative of what people should overlook and look into further.  It also - in my view - shows the importance of nonverbal communication and the impact of social norms... how even doing something "nice" can go sideways and the Get-Even Factor that I see all the time.  All this in only 2:44 AND completely appropriate to view at work.

READING

Reading for the times.  Below are a list of books – some newer, some older, some previous recommendations.  I selected these because of the current climate at work and home.

5 Dysfunctions of a Team
I mentioned this in an earlier post. Finally read it.  While the narrative style  can be annoying the points are good. If you absolutely hate the "fable" style –go directly to the end of the book and read the summary.

The Positive Power of Negative Thinking
A great resource for the "freaking out" and those who feel that they are surrounded by "negative Nellies".  The book explores a very common coping mechanism of predicting the worst in all situations.  The principles here are solid and very useful.

Why Don't You Want What I Want
This book was one of my first purchases when I decided to get smarter on how differences in cognitive styles impact workplaces.  I was particularly drawn to the subtitle of "How to Win Support without Hard Sell, Manipulation or Power Plays", since so many people rely on these hardball tactics as their first line of defense.

Self Nurture Life is tough now. We can't be at our best when we are on our last nerve.  This book was written by a physician whose practice focused on cancer patients.  It is not "Kumbaya".  It has plenty of resources and tools.  I refer to it regularly in personal and professional practice.

Wherever You Go There You Are
The author of "Full Catastrophe Living" gives a Buddhist perspective on modern living.  My favorite chapter is called "You Can't Stop the Waves So Learn to Surf."  Fast read.

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Where's Carol???

April 3, 2009
Building Mediation Markets
Seattle University School of Law
Continuing Legal Education Seminar
Registration

April 14, 2009
Workplace Conflict Resolution for Lawyers: What You and Your Clients Need to Know
Washington State Trial Lawyers Pierce County Roundtable
Tacoma, WA
Event Contact: Shelly Speir

May 2, 2009
Embarrassment, Entitlement, and Power - The Three Trolls Under the Bridge in Employment Mediations
15th Northwest Dispute Resolution Conference
University of Washington School of Law
Seattle, WA
Event Information

July 8, 2009
Conflict Resolution for the Education Professional
Washington School Personnel Association HELP Program
Western Washington University
Bellingham, WA

October 1, 2009
When the Balls Drop - Managing Intergenerational Conflict
Northwest Human Resource Management Conference
Portland, OR

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Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.

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