Conflict Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol IV, Issue 19, October 2008

• Reading: Unearth the 7 "Needs" to "Fix" the Problem Person and the Person's Problem
• Action Tools
• Ask Carol
• That's Worth Repeating
• Blog Announcement
• eNews Archive
• Recommended Reading
• Where's Carol??

We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.

Unearth the 7 "Needs" to "Fix" the Problem Person and the Person's Problem*

"He is total jerk-wants credit for everything!" "She wants praise for just showing up!" "He is totally out of line!" "Power hungry." "Needs to be right all the time." "Has to be in control." "What an annoying name dropper." "I am so tired of hearing 'it's not fair.' No one promised you fair!" "You're not my boss!"

Sound familiar? I bet that it does. Why? Because the quotes above are classic examples of 1 of the 7 key human needs not being met.
I am not talking food, shelter, clothing here. I am referring to:

1) Achievement
2) Power
3) Affiliation
4) Autonomy
5) Esteem
6) Safety & Security
7) Equity

This is the "under the iceberg stuff". The stuff that no one talks about or may not even recognize.

The stuff that I as a professional mediator look for. The stuff that drives the conflict & unless addressed keeps the conflict festering. In essence it is the stuff that if infringed upon-really pisses people off. (Me included ).

Individuals get really wound up when any of the 7 key needs is threatened or infringed upon. Even if the threat is imagined or highly unlikely.

Each person places varying degrees of importance on each. For example, if you think that your job is on the line you may view this as a direct threat to how you do feed and clothe your family. If your job is threatened because of nothing you did, you may feel that your sense of equity-justice is infringed upon. If you have a high degree of your self–esteem tied to your profession or job title, your need for power, affiliation, and autonomy, might also come into play.

Why is this important? Because any acceptable solution to a conflict must pass gut check. A solution will only pass the gut check if you perceive that the threat to your core needs is sufficiently diminished. If you still feel the treat is there... there will be no resolution.

Substantive conflict resolution must address the needs-even if those needs are unspoken.

-------------------------
*Inspired by summary in of The Manager’s Desk Reference The Motivational Manger published by Ragan Communications

Back to Top

Action Tools

The following action tools are designed to help you uncover and address the 7 needs. Use these tools, and you will discover that the conversation goes in a different direction - away from debate and "make her stop…" , "make him start", "why can't you just..."

1. Memorize the list of 7 needs.
2. Listen for Code Words that hint at what need is not being met.
3. Ask clarifying questions such as:
   • So you feel that your contributions aren't fully appreciated? (Achievement)
   • So you would like to have more power to decide how and when to spend your time? (Power)
   • So you would enjoy the project more if you could interact with others more? (Affiliation)
   • You want more independence? (Autonomy)
   • What kind of support would you need? (Safety & Security)
   • What would fairness look like to you? (Equity)
4. Brainstorm options that are targeted at meeting the needs.

Back to Top

Ask Carol

I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know – those off-to-the-side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad "Mojo" at work.

Q: During meetings people seem either to rehash the past or go off on long stories. They are driving me nuts. How do I get them to get to the point and stop wasting time?

A: So the real question is "how do I force-compel-coerce - or otherwise make people more like me and abide by my preferences?"

The short answer is that you can't. There are a ton of resources out there on how to run productive meetings. These resources will tell you to set the agenda before hand, set a specific time limit, and encourage "brainstorming" prior to the meeting.

These are good tips since no one likes death by meetings. These tips and your question miss a great opportunity by attempting to dictate to others how and when to get a core need met.

In workplaces where individuals are isolated by telecommuting or heavy workloads, meetings are one of the few places left that connection with co-workers can be made.

Let them talk and story tell - to a point. Encourage individuals to come to the meeting 10 minutes early to socialize, catch up or otherwise connect. Set a time limit for storytelling. Maybe 5 minutes. Then appoint someone to be a time keeper. Then use a tool that we have seen in the debates-green light-yellow light-red light. Yellow or piece of paper comes up when 2 minutes remain. Then when time is out Red Card. If they aren't done, direct them to send out an email or you can get back to them if the meeting time allows.

Often individuals are oblivious to how much time they take to tell their story.  Or they may just be people to talk to think. Or they are just lonely for some connection with someone who "gets" what they experience at work.

If the person still goes on, simply and respectfully ask "So the take-away point is????" Then move on.  Good luck.

Back to Top

That’s worth repeating…

"If you lead through fear you will have little to respect; but if you lead through respect you will have little to fear."
-- Anon

Blog Announcement

There are new "The Workplace Conflict Expert Says" blogs. Check them out!  Interesting stuff on Gender and Conflict. Workplace "Crazy Makers at Work", "Avoiding Claims of Sex Harassment", "Work/Life Balance is a Myth!" Check them out. Post your comments. Continue the conversation. Blog >>

eNews Archive

Have you missed an Enews?  Are you a new reader and what even more Action Tools to manage conflict at work and in life? Check out the eNews Archive for past articles and Action Tools. eNews Archive >>

Back to Top

Recommended Reading

Beyond Reason The article this month talks about the 7 needs. This book also talks about the 7 needs - in a slightly different way..
I have recommended this book before. I want to do it again.

E-Myth Revisited a classic for business. Frankly a must read. The conflict that arises when the Visionary interacts with the Manager and the Technician happens over and over again. Awareness of the "types" in the workplace will help you avoid conflict and help others navigate through conflict of styles.

Back to Top

Where's Carol???

July 1, 2008 - If you MISSED it. The Audio Conference is for Sale on the PBB Website.
Professional Audio Conferences
Stopping Conflict From Destroying Your Organization-For Your Supervisors
www.pbb.com

Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict at work.

Back to Top