Conflict
Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol
IV, Issue 8, November 2007
We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.
"Thanks for the Conflict!" Life lessons that others bring to us.
You have heard it before. Perhaps you even said it. "Thanks for being such a pain in the *&%$#@!"
Yep. I have said it. I have thought it. Usually, I don't stop to think about the insight that such a response can teach me about me.
Instead, I think about what a jerk, idiot, self-centered the world must revolve around you person the other guy is.
(Now readers, you know how often I speak of the other guy.)
This time I want you to reflect NOT on the other guy, but on you. (As I remind my husband on a daily basis- "It is ALL about me.") If something someone does angers you, frustrates you, irritates, aggravates or in anyway annoys you, recognize that you are having a values conversation with yourself.
Values conversation you say? YES. You would not become irritated, angry or annoyed if the actions of others didn’t impinge on something that you believe is valuable.
Daniel Shapiro and Roger Fisher in their book “Beyond Reason-Using Emotions as You Negotiate” tell us that “emotions convey information to you about the relative importance of your concerns.” A very nice way to say-if it wasn’t important to you, you would not become irritated, annoyed, angry, or frustrated. In my experience, people often completely ignore WHY something gets under their skin.
Instead of taking 2 seconds to complete cause and effect triage, people go straight for blaming, shaming, attacking or discounting. This can get you in trouble because you are ignoring a CRITICAL piece of the equation, YOU.
A good friend of mine was having problems with another friend. I bet that you can fill in the conversation that I heard. "She is so difficult!" "She is always like this!" "This is so frustrating!" "It is all her fault! She is the common denominator in all these situations!"
My response? “I think that the common denominator is each of these situations is you.” How you respond to the situation and how you believe the actions of others run contrary to YOUR values.
You know, she said “Carol, you are right!” Yep.
So here is the takeaway. When someone or a situation is getting under your skin, it is a clue that something YOU value is threatened. Your job is to do a quick self-triage to figure out what you believe is threatened before responding.
Here is a short list of areas that, if threatened, really get folks going:
- Autonomy/Independence (You’re not the boss of me!)
- Justice, Fairness or Equity (That’s not right!)
- Self-Importance (Who does he think he is anyway?)
- Respect/Social Norms (How RUDE!)
Once you know what the value is you can be more deliberate in your responses and improve the conversation. Try it out. Let me know how it goes. The results will be impressive—maybe even surprising!
Action Tools
These action tools are designed to help you uncover and respond to conflict in a way that acknowledges and honors your values.
Assess why the actions, inactions or statements are getting under your skin. This goes beyond "Well, because I don’t like jerks" or "I don’t like rude people." What value is threatened or not honored to your satisfaction? Justice, Respect, Autonomy? What? Name it as best you can.
Recognize the Value and Own it! This part is “all about you.” This is about what you value and what is important to you. Your values are driving you and the conversation. Take ownership. Via conscientious ownership, you regain the ability to take control. Since the value is driving the conversation anyway you might as well own it and make the impact of the value on the conversation explicit-at least to you. Think about it this way, until you have some clue as to why something rings your chimes YOU are POWERLESS to DO anything about it. Frankly, who wants to be powerless?
Include the value in the conversation. Careful here not to turn the conversation into a debate on the value. Instead, speak to what you value and what you would like to have happen. For example, “I am a pretty independent person (Values: automony &/or perceived violation of personal or professional boundaries) what you are talking about strikes me as impacting my ability to stay independent.”
Try these action tools. It will make a difference in the workplace. If you want more guidance on how to Start the conversation or Stay in the conversation see the Enews Archive @ www.managingconflict.com.
If your workplace is suffering from a Cliques or “Us vs. Them” situations that impede work? I have a special program can help. Contact me 253-219-5532 or ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com
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I am happy to help you out.
Ask Carol
I regularly field questions from clients and conference participants. You know—those off to the side sort of questions that you are dying to get some feedback on. Here is your chance to pick my brain for FREE. Send me your questions about workplace tension, challenges with working relationships, how to over come bad "Mojo" at work.
Q: Hi Carol!
Often at work I need to tell people "no." Needless to say this makes them upset. How do I say "no" without upsetting people?
A: Great question. I have 3 suggestions.
First, ask the person how they would like to hear "no." Do this in a non-threatening environment. Take a moment to pull the person or persons aside and tell them what you just told me- that sometimes you have to say "no." Most people will be thoughtful and tell you how they prefer to hear "no."
Second, usually it isn’t the "no" that upsets people. It is how the "no" is delivered. When I presented to the Deans and Leadership at Bates Technical College in Tacoma Washington, a wise person in the audience said "Most people just want to know that their position was heard and considered." Bravo! Before saying “no” take a moment to "thoughtfully consider." Then make sure that you understand the intent of the request. Say "my understanding of your request is….." Tell them that you considered it, but need to go in a different direction.
Third, take a look at William Ury’s The Power of a Positive No. Ury has some good suggestions for you.
More new stuff!!! Conflict Management Strategies BLOG!!!
The Workplace Conflict Expert Says…
Every day I come across examples of people getting in their own way, experiencing nasty stuff in the workplace. I shake my head because I know that I could have helped by providing some insights and tips. So did I just sit back and complain? (Yes. A lot. Ask my trusted advisors ….my friends…my husband…my dogs) However, I took my own sage advice and decided to move from complaining about “the collective turd in the middle of the room” to taking some well thought out action.
The result is “The Workplace Conflict Expert Says” a blog devoted to providing insights and strategies to improve working relationships. Check it out. Tell me what you think. Post your response! Click here or join me via the Conflict Management Strategies Inc Homepage www.ManagingConflict.com
That’s worth repeating…
"Never take a person's dignity: It is worth everything to them, and nothing to you."
-- Frank Barron
Recommended Reading
"Love ‘em or Lose ‘em - Getting Good People to Stay."
Beverly Kay and Sharon Jordan-Evans.
I loved this book. There were concrete action items to use and GREAT hints on how to engage in workplace conversations. This is a must read for managers and those who want to be managers. It is also a must read for employees at all levels to help empower YOU to get more of what you need out of the workplace.
Excerpt
"Never before have companies relied so heavily on their human assets for their competitive advantage. You need your best people to stay, regardless of economic ups and downs. By stay, we mean that your talent has not "checked in," but is "tuned in" and "turned on" as well. They are engaged in the business of the business. Engagement and retention are two sides of the same coin. This book is about both."
Where's Carol???
December 10, 2007
Bellingham School District BASE Program:
The Roadmap to Resolution!
January 17, 2008
"No Shouting No Signing Kumbaya-Mediation Skills for the Executive"
through Washington Employers
www.wa-emp.com
February 26, 2008
Why do "Good Employees" File EEOC Charges (And what to do about it.)
Fife Employer's Solutions Seminar
(253) 922-9320
Do you want to bring a dynamic speaker to your organization or conference? Carol is scheduling engagements for 2008.
Call or email now to bring Carol to you!
(253)219-5532
ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com
Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict
at work.
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