Conflict
Management Strategies eNewsletter
Vol
IV, Issue 4, April 2007
We spend so much of our waking hours at work for it to be an uncomfortable, stressful place. I want to help you bring your best to the workplace and handle sticky situations gracefully and improve your working relationships. These Conflict Management Strategies are intended to help you accomplish that.
Gender
and Conflict at Work: Water Cooler Conversations
Avoidance or Gathering Support?
"Carol, I don't get it! Why are women so passive-aggressive?" Talk
about a loaded question! I have heard it many times from both
men and women.
Here is the thing, often "loaded" questions actually
express sincere interest hidden in confusion. Let's
face it talking about gender can hit a lot of hot buttons. There
can be a lot of blaming
and shaming at the mere mention of "men's issues" or "women's
issues."
To quote one of my favorite '80's bands "people
are people so why should it be that you and I get along
so awfully."
Gender influences how individuals respond (or chose not
to respond) to conflict. From the outset, I want
to state that I am not here to say that one approach or gender
is "right" or "wrong." I
am saying that people approach conflict differently. Some
approaches are more likely to achieve your desired outcomes
than other approaches.
Whichever approach you choose, however, YOU WILL BE JUDGED
BY OTHERS BASED ON HOW WELL YOUR APPROACH MIRRORS THEIR
APPROACH in style, tone, content, and timing.
Here is an example:
A male colleague of mine asked me "Carol, can't women
just be up front? I would love it if the women in my
office would just tell me what is going on. Instead,
they talk among themselves. It is so passive-aggressive
and unproductive!"
Is it unproductive? Maybe not. Recall from the
last eNews "Out
of Bounds" that a KEY ACTION TOOL to address inappropriate
behavior to talk to a trusted advisor.
In "You
Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," Deborah
Tannen, Ph.D, gives similar advice. She calls the
venting to a trusted advisor "troubles talk."
At its best the "troubles talk" allows
someone to get clear on their thinking and thoughtfully consider
what action to take. At its worst, "troubles
talk" digresses into more blaming, shaming, and coalition
building. The result of the downward spiral of troubles
talk is this: you are viewed as an instigator, colluder,
malcontent, non-team player (whatever that means)
or PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
To leverage the benefits of the "trusted advisor," the
conversation must evolve into constructive problem solving
and action planning.
In the upcoming weeks, observe how conversations unfold
or unravel in your workplace. Is there "troubles
talk" going on? Does someone take a leadership
role and steer the conversation from venting to problem solving
and action plans? Alternatively, does the situation
even call for an action plan?
If you are involved in the conversation, are you acting
to support resolution? The Action Tools below will
help. Use them. Tell me how it goes.
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Sneak Preview:
In the upcoming issues of Conflict Management
Strategies, the
Focus is Gender and Conflict. Do you have stories
to share or questions to ask? Email me ContactUs@ManagingConflict.com
Action Tools
The following action tools are designed to prevent "troubles
talk" to encourage "productive talk." The
tools will vary depending on what role you play in the
situation. Find your role below and try the tools out.
You:
Ask yourself: "What about the situation did not
meet my expectations?" "What approaches are
available to me?"
Explain the situation to a Trusted Advisor by starting
with "This is how I see the situation…" Then
ask "What do you think? Am I missing something?"
Brainstorm methods to make it better. Decisions to exclude,
blackball, or undermine someone else, while temporarily
satisfying, will NEVER solve anything. A nice fantasy,
but move on to more productive, less destructive, and
less like an 8 year old.
Trusted Advisor:
Ask over and over "So what are you going to do
about it?"
Give supportive and constructive feedback.
Co-worker:
While you may not be a trusted advisor, you can be a
voice of reason. As much as possible steer the
conversation back to problem solving. If individuals
or groups refuse to move to problem solving, say "if
you want to bounce ideas around on how to approach the
issue, let me know. Otherwise, I need to get back
to work."
Supervisor:
Not all "troubles talk" is passive aggressive. Some
folks just need someone to talk to. Encourage your
employees to trouble shoot with one another. If
someone comes to complain, listen and encourage problem
solving.
Ask: "What ideas do you have to address the situation?" This
moves from complaining to problem solving.
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Where's Carol???
Organizations hire Carol to address their workplace conflict,
train employees in conflict resolution skills, and evaluate
internal conflict resolution processes…Bring Carol
to your organization by calling (253) 219-5532. Visit our Resources page for free articles and tips on resolving conflict
at work.
May 2, 2007
American Association of State Highway Transportation
Officers
National Conference, Portland, OR
The 7 Deadly Sins That Prevent HR & Training from
Becoming a Strategic Partner (And What to Do About It).
www.transportation.org/meetings
May 3, 2007
University of Washington Executive/Technology Management
MBA Program
Spring Executive Networking Event
Kirkland, WA
"Toto, we aren’t in mid-level management
anymore!" Conflict Management-
Executive Style.
bschool.washington.edu/tmmba/
May 5, 2007
Northwest Alternate Dispute Resolution Conference
"The Human BLEVE"
www.mediate.com/nwadr or www.uwcle.org
May 9, 2007
Dept
of the Navy
Human Resources
Service Center Northwest
Leadership
Conference
Bremerton,
WA
"Creating Spaces
for Conflict Management"
September 20, 2007
CFDD National Conference
Co-Presentation with Jeanette Nyden,
Owner J. Nyden & Co.
www.JNyden.com
"They did what? Un-freaking'-believable! How
people get in their own way during negotiations at work
and what to do about it."
October 17, 2007
American Association of School Personnel Administrators
National Conference, Kansas City, MO
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